When your baby dies
When a baby lives only a short time or dies before birth due to miscarriage, stillbirth or a painful decision to end the pregnancy, people may assume that the loss is not important. This is simply not the case. The intensity of love parents feel for their baby is not measured by how long the baby lived, but in the emotional investment, they have in their child.
For parents expecting to welcome a new life, instead facing the reality that their baby has not lived can be immensely difficult. Finding answers to why it has happened can be very important, and this may be something medical staff can tell you, but sometimes there is no clear answer.
If you have physically given birth to a baby, you will still experience all the normal bodily post-natal reactions but without the baby, which may be devastating.
When a baby dies, parents speak of a grief that has no comparison, a particular kind of grief. The new life they created was unique to them, as is their grief, and therefore no one else can feel what they feel.Families talk about the utter devastation,and a sense of loneliness and isolation, caused both by the loss and the fact that it is often not understood by others. This information sheet includes input from parents, some feelings and thoughts that you might experience, some of the issues that you may be facing and what may help.When a baby lives for only a short time, or dies before birth due to a miscarriage, stillbirth or the difficult decision to end a pregnancy, people can sometimes assume that a shortened life must mean a shorter and less intense grief. Nothing could be further from the truth. The intensity of love parents feel for their baby is not measurable in weeks and months of pregnancy, or in whether they lived after birth and for how long they lived,but in the emotional investment they have made in this child. A parent begins their relationship with their baby long before birth and will grieve not only for the baby, but for shattered hopes and dreams and the place their child would have had within the family.
There is no right way to grieve the death of a baby. Everyone will do it their own way and in their own time, even within the same family. Grief means feeling and expressing all the emotions you have, whatever they might be. Emotions often involve a complicated mix of shock, anger, regret, love, guilt and sadness. You may also feel an emptiness or a sense of something being incomplete.For some parents, the grief is so intense that they think what they are feeling must be abnormal.
When a baby dies there are other cruel reminders of what has been lost. A birth mother’s body will still respond as though her baby is alive. She will still experience the usual physical and emotional postnatal reactions but without the joy of a baby to hold and care for. This is particularly distressing and can be very hard to bear.If possible,give yourself a place and time to grieve, to sit quietly and focus on your baby. You may find yourself trying to avoid your grief, by throwing yourself into work or other activities, or just keeping busy. People close to you may even encourage you to forget, but thinking about the baby who has died,and the way you feel, is an important part of your grieving process. If you had a room with everything made ready, then going into that room maybe very hard for you. In contrast, it may also be the place where you feel closest to your baby. Feeling the pain of your loss often brings a sense of the baby being near to you. There can be conflict between wanting to face tasks such as changing the room and feeling the need to keep your baby close. It can help to acknowledge this and let yourself move between these two different feelings. In time, you may feel more able to do the things you need to do with the room such as the hard task of packing away your baby’s things. There’s no 'right‘time to do this -do it when you feel you’re ready.
Sometimes, no definite cause can be found for why a baby has died. For some parents this can be a relief. They take the view that if there is nothing wrong there can be no barriers to another pregnancy. For others,having no answer to the question "why?"creates immense distress.
Some parents blame themselves,or they feel they have failed their baby and failed as parents.Women may consider they have let down their partners and extended family because their body has not produced the baby that was so hoped for.
Even when there is an answer to why it has happened, this doesn’t necessarily make it easier. Post-mortem results may provide an explanation that is logical but not always one that helps on an emotional level. Often there is conflict between our head and our heart.For some people, it may be too painful to even think about the logical or medical explanations. Grieving parents can resent others who are pregnant, or experience mixed feelings towards family and friends who do have their babies. Although not easy, for some women having a cuddle with another baby can bring some comfort, but for many,it is an unbearable reminder of what they have lost. All they long for is their own baby and not someone else’s.
When a baby dies, much of the concern tends to focus on the birth mother. This can be even more the case if she needed medical attention. Partners can be overlooked and are often asked how the mother is rather than how they might be feeling. It is important to remember that partners have a great deal to manage. Witnessing the person you love in distress whilst feeling helpless,and not being able to ‘save‘the baby you most desperately wanted, is extremely painful. You have to manage your own grief while supporting your partner who is experiencing the normal emotional and physical consequences of giving birth but without the much longed-for baby. For some, keeping busy with practical arrangements is a welcome distraction and gives them a sense of doing something useful. Their grief is no less, they just have a different way of dealing with it. This can cause misunderstanding and tension, making it hard to maintain a loving relationship. It might help to remind yourself that you are both grieving for your baby but expressing it in different ways. If possible,find ways to share your grief whilst respecting that each of you needs your own space.
Siblings will have been looking forward to the new baby’s arrival and will need a simple explanation as to why their baby brother or sister has sadly not lived. What you say depends on what feels right for you and the children. It is important that even if very young, they are told the truth but in words appropriate for their age and understanding.Do not be afraid to use the word "dead"or “died“, even though this may feel harsh and upsetting for you to say. Using words such as "lost“ might feel more gentle but they only confuse children who will take them literally, expecting something "lost" to be found.In simple words, you could say something such as:"When the baby was born, her heart stopped working and very sadly she died."If your baby died early on in the pregnancy, young children will sense and be unsettled by your sadness and distress, wondering why you are upset. Again, in simple language, you could explain that:"he was born too early before he was ready to breathe properly on his own. Because he could not breathe properly, the baby died."
Everybody is different and will have their own ways of coping. What is helpful for one person may not be at all helpful for someone else.
Bereaved parents tell us that it is invaluable to talk to someone you trust and feel comfortable with, someone who will not be shocked by anything you say and who will not tell you what to do or how you should be feeling. Finding a good listener is not always easy and family and friends may not understand or find it too painful to listen. When people came to visit, parents could barely cope with their own grief without someone else off-loading their grief onto them as well. People’s reactions are not always positive but with time one filters out the unhelpful advice.The people around you want you to be OK. It can feel easier to pretend that you are, when the reality is very much the opposite. If this is the case, try not to suppress your natural instinct to grieve for your baby and find support somewhere else. Friends and family can respond in unexpected ways,and it may be the ones you least expect who turn out to be the good listeners and to whom you subsequently become close. Bereavement support services or counselling offers one to one time with someone whose job it is to listen and has the training and experience to understand and support you. You can say exactly what you think or feel and know that you are not upsetting them in the same way as family and friends.
Going back to the hospital where your baby was born and died may be important for you.It can be an opportunity to clarify exactly what happened with staff who were there at the time. For others, such a visit brings back too many painful thoughts and feelings and is too difficult to contemplate.
Some parents (although by no means all) can find themselves visiting their baby’s grave,or place where the ashes were placed,on an almost daily basis.They find it somewhere to feel close to their baby. Tending and caring for the grave, taking flowers,leaving momentos, or just sitting there,can bring some comfort.Many families keep their baby’s ashes at home until they eventually feel ready to decide on an appropriate place to put them.
Remembering your baby, although it is painful, is also a way of acknowledging their life,however short,and their importance to you. When a baby dies at or before birth, there are fewer memories but this makes them even more precious. Some parents gather together everything they have to put into a memory box or memory book. If your baby died before birth you may have precious momentos and hospital appointment cards and scans. You can keep these in a special, private place or share them with friends and family -it is up to you. If it is some time since your baby died, you may have few memories and very little information about what happened to him or her. This makes your grief no less intense and some callers to our helpline are grieving for babies who died, or were born too early, many years ago. It might be difficult to get in touch with your memories, but if you can begin to remember, you may be able to begin to grieve.
Returning to work can be a daunting prospect for both partners whose baby has died. The amount of leave people are able to take after a bereavement varies enormously. However much time off work you have had, you will still be grieving for your baby and the decision to go back to work can be difficult. You may be returning sooner than you would like to,for financial reasons. For others, returning to work is a positive step, providing some routine to the day and an environment not directly connected to the baby. Try to meet with your manager to discuss how you would like your return handled and how best to let everyone know what has happened. It might help ease the transition if you arrange to go in for a short time before your actual start day to meet colleagues. This is a way to help overcome the hurdle of seeing everyone on your first day back, some of whom might be uncomfortable with what to say to you. Your employer only needs to have as much information as you want to give them, but it is important that they are aware. You may be anxious about becoming tearful or emotional. This may well happen but if people know the reason why, this will help them to understand your distress.Be realistic about what you can manage at work and if you can, find quiet moments for a bit of peace, or time to shed a few tears if you need to. We have further information on our website for employees and employers about returning to work.Be kind to yourself. You will know best what works for you, at home, in your relationships, at work and in any support other people can offer you. If possible, find time for grieving as well as time for activities in everyday life that you feel you can manage and that are helpful for you.
Although arranging a funeral can be painful and distressing, it is an important step in saying goodbye. You can choose to have a burial or cremation, a religious or non-religious service, in a place of worship, at the graveside, in your home or anywhere else appropriate.
When a new baby is expected in a family, most young children will be looking forward to the birth as much as everyone else. Having to explain the death of an expected baby brother or sister is an incredibly hard thing to do. When deep in your own grief, it might feel just too much to have to start to think about what to say to a toddler or young child. If your baby died very early on in your pregnancy, other children may not be aware that a baby was on the way. However, they will be aware that something is not right and that you are behaving differently. Children have a much greater capacity to deal with the truth than most adults realise; it is the unsaid and the untruthful that they struggle with.
Children are all individuals and each will react to what you are about to tell them in their own way, according to their age and level of understanding. Some will be upset, others will carry on as if nothing has happened, but all will be affected to some degree. An explanation will enable them to start to try to make some sense of the situation. Without this, young children may start to feel anxious and insecure, unsure of what is going on and what is the cause. What they are not told they often make up, which can cause confusion and further distress. This is when children can start to blame themselves by believing in some way they must be responsible for what has happened.
A child may not fully understand what has happened but they will certainly have picked up on the distress around them and be very aware that things are ‘not right’. A simple explanation as to why you are upset will reassure them that you are OK but feeling very sad because that it is how people are when something upsetting happens.Children are often involved in preparations for the new baby and along with the rest of the family may have talked about things they are going to do with their new baby brother or sister. They, therefore, need to understand why this is not going to happen to help them cope with their own, and everyone else’s, feelings of disappointment. Even children who have appeared ambivalent about a new baby will still have had some expectations around being a big brother or sister.
Children are naturally curious with surprisingly good powers of observation and learn by asking questions and watching other people’s responses. If a child is asking a question, it is usually because he/she needs to hear, and is ready to hear, the answer. It may go against strong feelings of wanting to protect them, but children need to hear the news as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the greater the likelihood that they will overhear a conversation, sense something is wrong and feel alone in their worries, or find out in some other inappropriate way.
Every child is different and some will need more information than others. How much you say will be influenced by your child’s stage of development, personality and temperament. You know your child best and are therefore the best judge as to how much to say. Do not be surprised if you are repeatedly asked the same question. This is what children do to try to make some sense of what has happened.Young children will be aware that something is not right and that those around them are behaving differently. At this age, they have a tendency to think that they might be the cause of your distress, even when nothing has been said or done to imply this. Some appropriate words to explain your upset can reassure them: Mummy is crying because she is feeling very sad. It is what people do when someone they love dies. She loved your baby brother/sister and wish that he/she had been able to live, but she still loves you just as much and always will. She is very glad that I have you.
When explaining what has happened, try to use simple words appropriate for your child’s age and understanding. It is important to use the real words such as ‘dead’. Euphemisms including ‘lost’ or ‘gone to sleep’ may appear kinder, but for a child can cause complication and confusion as they will take the meaning literally.
When a child is ready to hear more, they will ask another question. There is a fine line between being honest and overloading a child with information they do not want or need. The following words are only suggestions to help you answer the question ‘What happened?’ Initially, this may be all you need to say. ‘I have some very sad news to tell you. Your little baby brother was not as strong and healthy as we thought he was and unfortunately, he has died.’Young children will not necessarily understand what being dead means. ‘Being dead means that he isn’t breathing, his heart has stopped and his body has stopped working. We are feeling very sad because we are going to miss him very much.’
On hearing the news young children will need reassurance. ‘It is very unusual for this to happen but sadly it sometimes does. When you were inside mummy’s tummy you were fine.’Agree beforehand what you are going to say so that children hear the same explanation from all adults. A child’s reactions on hearing the news that their expected baby brother or sister has died will probably be the same regardless of at what stage of the pregnancy it happened. The term ‘born too early’ may feel easier to use than an adult word such as ‘miscarriage’; it is up to you. Siblings who visited a baby brother or sister on a neonatal ward/special care unit may have heightened awareness and more questions because of what they saw, or overheard, in the hospital.
Some children, because they are older, or are just more curious, might ask more questions. There is no timescale for this and it may be days, weeks, or months after the baby has died. The following are just suggestions to give you ideas for words that feel right for you and your child.
‘Sometimes babies are born too soon because there is something wrong with them and they have not grown properly when inside their Mummy’s tummy. Because they are not ready to be born and are so very tiny, they cannot live. Sadly, this is what happened to our baby. We don’t always know why this happens and we wish very much that it had not happened to ours.’
‘A very few babies sadly die before they are born while still inside their mummy’s tummy.I have some sad news to tell you. You know that we are expecting your baby brother/sister to be born in July. When mummy went to see the doctor today they took a special photograph (scan) of the baby because they thought that there might be something wrong. When they looked at the photograph (scan), they could not see his heart beating. This is because it had stopped working. Your heart needs to work to stay alive so the doctor knew that he had died inside Mummy’s tummy. This means that when he is born he will be dead. This is a very sad thing to happen and we wish very much that he was still alive.
While still in Mummy’s tummy, the baby‘s body was not growing properly. There was something wrong with the baby and this meant that he died before he was born, which is very sad.This means that the baby will not be coming home to live with us or grow up to be big like you. We are very lucky to have you. We will still give the baby a name, would you like to help choose one? We will say a special goodbye (have a special service a bit like a funeral) after... is born.’
‘Sometimes babies are born with an illness, or something wrong with their body, that is so serious that they die very soon after they are born. The doctors might be able see there is something wrong on a special machine that takes a photograph of the baby before it is born. This is called a scan. Not all problems can be seen this way and sometimes no one realizes that there is something wrong. This is what happened to your little brother.Sometimes babies are born too soon. Because they are not ready to be born and are so very tiny, they cannot live. Their heart and lungs are too small to work properly. This is what happened to your baby brother.Sadly, you got to know him for only a very short time but we will all remember him. I thought that his nose looked just like yours.
Children need reassurance. Their sense of security may be shaken by what has happened and this can make children feel anxious. They may need extra cuddles or resort to soothing behaviours, such as thumb sucking, more than usual.Try to keep to your usual routines as much as possible. Daily routines are probably disrupted and familiar people are likely to be behaving in unusual ways. Young children will find this unsettling and disturbing. Sticking to what you usually do will help to give a child a sense of safety and everything being OK.Maintaining your usual levels of discipline will help children to feel secure.Do tell any adults your child comes into contact with about what has happened. This will help them to understand if your child is upset or behaving out of character and be ready to respond.
Adults act as a role model so it is helpful if everyone can take the same approach. Whether at home, in day care, or at school, children need an accepting and supportive environment where they feel safe to ask questions and share feelings. If the adults around them can express their emotions, a child will know it is OK to do the same.Encourage and help children to express how they are feeling. Very young children use play to help them understand what has happened. Messy painting or drawing can help a child who is struggling to express themselves with words.
